Stop the Bashing
Sometimes I get so angry with myself because I think that I should be farther along in my healing journey than I already am. I put my timeline of where I believe I should be at as my truth instead of trusting in the divine timeline, impatiently waiting. It’s easy to forget how far I’ve actually come without taking a minute to look back and reflect. In the moment, I cringe as the familiar emotions bubble to the surface, triggered by old familiar patterns that I want nothing more than to have reprogramed, that old familiar feeling of unworthiness.
What I’ve come to realize is that unworthiness, is a deep, deep seed that is firmly planted in western religion. The original sin mentality breeds the lie of unworthiness and shame in our culture on those who embrace it. If you look at eastern religions that is not the case. Many of those religions believe that we have simply forgotten the greatness of who we have always been and honestly that is more my belief now as well. I highly recommend the book, Healing the Core Wound of Unworthiness, The Gift of Redemptive Love by Adyashanti. He talks about this in more depth as well as how we too can receive the beautiful gift of redemptive love.
It is from that belief of being tainted, flawed, evil, bad, that the lie of unworthiness has festered and grown in my own life as it continued to be seemingly reinforced time and again by situation after situation. So here we are at this place where layer after layer of unworthiness has accumulated, lie after lie that desperately needs to be chipped away, layer by painful layer. Like a highway that has been paved over time and again so is this lie of unworthiness, eventually you have to rip up all the old tar and get back down to the original foundation before you can rebuild. (the original belief) That chipping away takes time, intention, and bravery.
I’ve been in the destruction zone for a while now, watching as layer by layer is grinded up and removed. I’d love for this process to be finished, yes, I’m ready for it to be over, but I can recognize that I’m not in charge of the timeline of this healing. The only thing that I can do is be open, listen, and accept the love that is the very essence that will finally allow me to be free from this lie of unworthiness.
Unworthiness in my life often appears in my marriage, my role as mom, and my body image. We can be so hard on ourselves as women, especially if we begin to compare our lives with others. Some days I can feel like I’m totally nailing it on all fronts and then the next I’m a puddled ball on the floor wondering what in the heck am I doing. One thing that I’m trying to focus on in my own life is allowing myself to be open to the fact that the stories that I’m telling myself about myself my in fact be false. To stand in front of the mirror and instead of judging just observe and think nothing, to just be.
