Journey out of Patriarchy
As I began to dig into the many wounds religion and patriarchy specifically had created in my life all those years ago I had to allow myself to really feel the emotions that I had bottled up for a decade trying to be the perfect Proverbs 31 wife.
After being under this type of teaching for 8+ years I had found myself in a place where I no longer recognized the woman I had become. I was a shell of my former self, overwhelmed, exhausted, and depressed. I remember being in counseling and being asked what I enjoyed doing, as I sat there unable to think of anything that I enjoyed doing just for me I broke down. What had happened to me? The years of trying to fit into the little patriarchy box had taken its toll on my soul. I had successfully pushed down and suppressed the very qualities that had made me the unique amazing woman I was meant to be. No wonder I was depressed and anxious, I was trying to make myself into someone I was never meant to be. Religion and Patriarchy were a huge detriment to my physical and emotional health.
As I sat back and allowed myself to remember the woman who I was before entering patriarchy, way back in my early 20's, I felt a surge of loving remembrance and familiar recognition. A deep longing for the strong, capable woman I use to be. It was nothing short of ironic that the very things about me that my husband fell in love in the first place where the very things that patriarchy told me I was no longer suppose to be. My strength, leadership, teaching abilities, and independence.
Under religion and patriarchy I was taught not to trust myself, thinking for myself and asking questions was dangerous, my body was dangerous, and I needed to be very careful not to make my superior male counterparts sin by how I acted, dressed and behaved. I no longer trusted my female intuition to make accurate decisions and began to rely instead on the male "head" to tell me what I should do. I worked hard to repress these "Non-desirable qualities" to try and earn not only my husbands love and affection but "God's" and the church community as well. I tried to submit, please, serve in the very manner I was told was necessary as my role as the dutiful patriarchal wife, and I did until it almost killed me.
The problem was that I was never created to fit into that patriarchy mold. None of us are. As I began my journey back to myself, I began to rediscover the amazingly strong and independent woman I am. I began to recognize that this journey out of patriarchy would not be quick or easy as it had wound its way into every aspect of my life and beliefs, but it was possible and I would get there.
If you find yourself trying to navigate your way out of Patriarchal teachings or spiritual abuse I'd love to support you.
