Everyone is Meant to Change

Jan 16

Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Jew, Witch, far left, far right, republican, democrat, liberal, label after label dividing us. What if we simply were just human beings, recognizing that we are all connected. Able to realize that what I do in my life will always affect another, and if I refuse to see that the pattern will never change.

Believe it or not it wasn’t that long ago that Christianity was my entire life. At the time it was serving a purpose in my life, back then I voted Republican, I freely judged those with differing views than mine as wrong, ignorant, or even “evil.” But then, I changed, I grew, I evolved. I was willing to listen to differing opinions, to educate myself on a variety of viewpoints and I began to decide for myself those beliefs that best served me. Back then Christianity gave me the nice neat to do list that was supposedly able to deem you as enough. So, if I did x, y, z then I would finally be enough, also called worthy, saved, blessed, highly favored. The elite apparently. The problem there is the initial assumption that I was not already enough. I’m not sure when I started to believe I wasn’t enough as I was. Maybe it was the Girl Scout leader who looked at my scrapbook badge project and asked, “What happened to you, you use to be so cute.” Maybe it was the abusive boyfriend who when I finally got the courage to leave told me that no one else would ever want me.

All I know is I never thought I was enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not cool enough, not skinny enough, the list ran on and on. For two decades I threw myself into Christianity, at 17 I was desperate to prove to myself, to “God”, to all those others that I was indeed enough, worthy to be known and loved. Sadly, this attempt only encouraged unhealthy boundaries, putting others needs before my own to the point of utter depletion, and giving so much of my time, money, and talents that there was little to none left for my myself or my family. I had become the expert on self- sacrifice, and it was truly killing me. The battle to become the perfect Christian wife, mom, and friend, to fit the mold of a very sick unhealthy illusion. No matter how perfectly I followed all the rules the measuring stick moved higher and higher. No Halloween, no books or songs or shows that were deemed “demonic,” no friends who didn’t have the same values, attend twice a week, serve regularly, be in a small group, and more and more and more. We learned how to look down on those heathens, pity them for their ignorance when the entire time the giant log in our own eye was invisible. The elitist of the crowd was able to get the reserved seats in the front rows behind the pastor. Those seats were sacred, not just anyone could sit there in case something evil rubbed off or transferred to the Pastor. Seating arrangements were hierarchy and pastors donned bodyguards and drove new cars and dressed in $200 jeans. When you made it to those front two rows you were in.

What I realize now is that the heathen were having a hell of a lot more fun and were actually living the life we were meant to live, one of enjoyment, love, and connection.

Fast, Pray, Tithe, Attend, Read, Serve, Volunteer, SUBMIT. Wash, rinse, repeat. The cycle had to end.

The catalyst to my change started when I couldn’t pray away my lifelong battle with depression and I struggled to stifle what was supposedly my “Gluttoness” sinful nature. As I struggled to lose weight, the suicidal thoughts started, and my depression deepened. I felt like a total failure; I needed help. However, I didn’t feel I could let anyone know because when I had reached out for help in the past I was told to pray more, have more faith, to fast. That type of “help” just furthered to insist on my own flaws as the weakness. Not once back then did I consider that maybe this entire system was the actual issue. So, I did what I do, I studied and read and began to see the cracks and flaws in the belief system that I was holding on to.

I wonder how my life would have been if I would have only known that I had always been enough, actually, so much more than enough. I am a brave, strong, intuitive, intelligent, creative, bad ass feminine woman who holds divine sovereignty within an amazing body that created and carried and birthed 4 amazing humans.

My depression, overeating, and perfectionism was a trauma response to this dangerous religion and its effort to mold me into a woman I was never meant to be?

The religion that was founded on the principle of unconditional Love only offered an illusion of the real thing. In the sacred text of the Christian religion LOVE is defined as patient and kind, not envious or boastful, it is said that it is not arrogant or rude, and it definitely does not insist on its own way. Love isn’t irritable or resentful and it does not rejoice at wrongdoings but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes the good in all things, and has hope in all things. (1 Cor 13)