The Battle with Anxiety and Depression
Some of you may not know this fact, but I’ve struggle with anxiety and depression for over 20 years. I have been on and off various medications throughout this time period to help me make it through. Those of you with anxiety and depression know that it is no joke. Through my life I have experienced Post-Partum Depression with my 4 kiddos, Sexual Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Spiritual Abuse and PTSD. I am not a victim of these things; however, I am merely stating my truth. These things happened in my life, that is simply the facts. Instances and situations do not have to define who we are, and mine no longer do. They have helped me grow, evolve, and gain wisdom and understanding. I can now see these instances for what they were meant to be in my life, tools of learning, situations to help me awaken to my own truth and beauty. When I began to see these life occurrences for what they truly were meant to be, I no longer felt like the victim.
It took me an exceptionally long time to be able to get to this point, playing the victim can be like trying to get out of a house of mirrors, difficult, but there is always an exit. As I was journeying through each of these life stages I found that I needed to take medication to help me function and process through what was happening, the magnitude of what my mind was trying to accomplish at the time between the roles of mom, teacher, and friend were overwhelming in the midst of it all, and I simply needed a bit of help. Sadly, I was judged, as many are, as being week. Mainly by those in religion who looked down on me for taking medication, I was told I lacked faith even though I cried out for it all to be taken away daily. (I can see now though how it being taken away would not have allowed me to become who I am and who I am now was so worth it.)
What I know now and what I want you to know is that true strength was knowing that I needed to take the medication and giving myself permission to take it in the midst of those who were telling me I was a failure for doing so. If I had not I may not be here today. As I dragged myself out of bed when my body was screaming no, to took care of my family I was strong. When all I wanted to do was hid in my closet and cry but got up and cooked dinner, I was strong. My faith was there, stronger than ever, because deep down I knew I was going to get through this, deep down I knew I would get through, that voice inside of me was screaming keep going and so I did.
I’m sharing this with you because I know someone needs to hear it, maybe it's you. I know someone needs to know that there is nothing for you to be ashamed of, there is nothing about you that is weak. You need to know you are not alone, I have been where you are, I understand the pain, the fear that paralyzes you. You my dear, are one of the strongest people on this planet and don't you let anyone else make you believe differently. You get up, despite the heaviness you carry and go about your day. Maybe you care for your children, head off to work, whatever you do, you do it with an unbelievable weight that others without anxiety and depression never have to carry. You are a warrior, and the fact that you get up and fight each morning proves it. Wherever you are at in your journey, know that it is right where you need to be. Can you look for something positive in the now, can you see a small seed of what you may be learning through this, can you yet see the growth? If that is too hard with where you are right now, be kind to yourself, recognize that what your soul may need right now is simply a place to be seen, heard, and loved. Who is that place for you? Do you have one? Are you looking for one?
Oh sweet friend I have walked the twisted narley path of anxiety and depression, I have seen the damage it can cause in it’s wake, but what I have also seen is beautiful growth, compassion birthed from pain, and deep understanding and appreciation gained for this life I live. I hope you know that you can be at peace with where you are right now. That even in the midst of the battle you can find rest.
You will not fight this fight forever sweet one, one day you will awaken and realize that you love your life. You will simply wake up one day and realize you are happy, truly happy and content with who you are and what your life has become. It will happen when you least expect it, as you will be unaware of the progress occurring in those day to day moments where you are able to sit, listen, and give space to yourself and your journey.
My hope is that you can tangibly feel my love for you. If you have been, are on, or just getting to the end of this journey, know that happiness is possible and you can feel so much peace. You are so loved, appreciated, worthy, and valuable, don't give up, you never know when the day will come.
