A Need to Belong: My Journey with Patriarchy
“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”
Brene’ Brown
The desire to belong and feel loved is something that lives deep inside of each of us. In my life right now, I am again finding myself anxiously awaiting my tribe as our move out of Michigan to Virginia just 18 months ago has relighted that passion in me. Where are you at in your life right now, have you found your tribe? Are you surrounded by those people who get you on the deepest level? Those who truly see you and know you? Those that you know, no matter what you say or do will always have your back, even if you disagree? Do you feel you belong, really belong right where you are? Do you feel loved. Sometimes we can be surrounded by people in our life but that doesn’t mean we feel seen, known and loved?
That sense of belonging is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, sometimes we would rather just settle for something that is an imitation to that need for love and belonging because the desire to feel loved is so strong. I’ve settled at times, I can see that clearly now. At the time however, I didn’t realize that was what I was doing. Religion gave me that sense of belonging, the “family” atmosphere or tribe mentality I desired, something we all desire on some level. My soul longs for deep connection, to be seen, heard, and known.
Religion gave me a sense of purpose, a set of rules I could follow to fit in and belong, it seemed so easy. Just do this and you are in. What I found though is that I never really was able to be myself, I was never really able to be Julie, in the full beauty I was created to be, because patriarchy taught me that wasn’t good enough. It changed me. In my desire and need to belong I followed all the rules, I learned quickly that women were inferior to men, so I silenced my voice, I denied my true nature, and suppressed my calling.
Women I was shown do not belong behind the pulpit, this was clear by the lack of a female’s voice behind the pulpit each week, except for that yearly “Children’s Church” report. Apparently Children’s Church was one area women were allowed to take a more leadership role. Women we were taught need to submit to their husbands, so what if you weren’t married? If you were not married, you needed to have a male “covering” in your life for protection. Protection of what? Satan’s attacks they said, lest we be deceived. As much as it was unnatural for me to play this role, it was even more uncomfortable for my husband to play the one he was supposed to.
So, what did we do? We begin going to marriage groups and conferences our church put on, trying to figure out how to unnaturally fit into these marriage roles we were told was God’s plan and purpose for us. Is God’s plan and purpose really for us to deny our calling here on earth, to be insincere to who we are in order to fit into some role that man himself created and said we all needed to conform to? No.
There was much we were told would fix our "problem," but it only produced more damage in our marriage, more resentment. Eventually you reach a point that you just cannot do it anymore, you are exhausted of trying to fit into a mold you were never created to fit.
Patriarchy sucks, for both women and men. It caused an abundance of hurt in our marriage and within ourselves. I’ve spent years processing through it all trying to undo and heal the damage it has done but, there are still remnants that like to rear their ugly head.
Like falling back into that role of the dutiful mom, knowing that my job is raising the kids, now granted I do enjoy that, but the difference is that it should never be my responsibility alone? Another area the patriarch really affected was our sex life. I still find myself apologizing during sex, feeling guilty if it’s taking me a little longer? Why? Because patriarchy taught me that a woman’s body isn’t her own. That it is for the pleasure of her husband. Talk about BS don’t even think about masturbation that was a sin and shame would be heavily heaped on. I was actually told by our marriage group leader that if I would just have more sex with my husband our problems would be solved. She told me that by denying my husband I was allowing Satan into my marriage. So, what ensued, being the dutiful wife that I was, I began having sex even when I didn’t really want to, that feels amazing doesn’t it? Yeah, no, that only fueled more resentment, hurt and division in our marriage.
It is a messed-up system, but it can act as a means of fulfilling our need for belonging, which is why I believe so many get drawn in, as I did. It can be the perfect substitute to real connection, surface level belonging. It seems so much easier and it is, bucking the system, being transparent and vulnerable is scary as hell, but so worth it.
After leaving the church, we lost our “family,” everyone fled (except at the time one of my closest friends which later was broken off). I was seen as a threat, dangerous, divisive, all because I had expressed differing viewpoints to our lead pastors and had started to speak out publicly about my beliefs on my own blog online. That was a big no no in patriarchy, but I honestly couldn’t keep quiet anymore. I was reprimanded for “making the church look bad,” I was told that I had to add a certain pastor on as a friend to my Facebook so he could oversee my posts. Looking back now it just really was some amazingly crazy things. They were worried we would take other members of the church with us when we told them we were leaving, even though this was not even something we had thought about let alone desired. Leaving was about our own journey to freedom, our own awakening and escape for both my husband, my children, and myself.
My husband was mostly spared from the backlash. Since I was the woman, in their view this was obviously all my doing. Likened to Adam and Eve, the woman misleading the poor man. What they didn’t want to hear was that my husband and I were in total agreement. We were very much on the same page whether the Pastoral Staff wanted to see it or not. I was hurt and angry at the time, I felt betrayed, deceived, and rejected. That old core belief of “not enough” was being reinforced at that time through those situations. I look back now and can honestly be thankful for all that I learned during that time! I realized I am a badass. I had the courage to find and use my voice, to standing up for what I saw was wrong, and to be willing to leave it all behind. I was brave enough to embrace the journey of discovering who I was, before patriarchy told me who I had to be.
I learned that who I am never needed to be changed, fixed, or crammed into a mold that I was never created to fit. It helped me define what I am looking for in my tribe, in those people I want around me. I desire those who love unconditionally, even when views differ, those who stick around and support you no matter what because they see you, know you, and deeply love you. I look for those who are willing to work out differences with loving kindness instead of anger, manipulation, and yelling. Those seemingly rare individuals who allow you to simply be you, in all your beauty and quirkiness without judgement and love you even more because of it, not in spite of it.
Patriarchy is male entitlement at its best; it is the silent undercurrent of feminine oppression in our society that few dare to speak of. Those brave enough to speak out are condemned and judged as being angry or bitter. I assure you I am neither. I am simply a voice sharing my story in hopes that someone else might gain courage to share theirs or simply find some comfort from knowing they are not alone.
I am able to recognize that those involved honestly did not know any better. That what they were doing and are still doing, while so very wrong, to them is still right. I can respect where they are on their own path of awakening even though I no longer agree, I understand this journey is their path to walk.
I have awakened to the better way, the more loving way, a way where freedom and joy and happiness is not something one has to earn, but simply who we are. As I continue to peel back the layers of old beliefs, I continue to experience more and more of the beauty and joy of simply being.
Peeling the layers is hard, it takes time, dedication, and self-compassion. Forgiveness became something I needed to do for myself, to be able to fully let go of blaming myself for not seeing through the lies and staying in the abuse for so long, for putting my children through it. I remind myself that when we know better, we can do better, and that is what I am now doing. We were able to parent our 4th child in a totally different way compared to how we parented our first because we learned, we grew, and we evolved from our prior experiences and were able to do it better.
My heart goes out to those women and men still in these religious systems of abuse, desperate to feel that belonging and acceptance, but slowly killing themselves day by day trying to fit into a mold they were never meant to fit into. I believe that deep down inside of each of them there is a knowing of this foundational truth. I believe that there is a sense of the more, that something better. There is a deep recognition that this isn’t really me, or this isn’t who I was meant to be. My hope is that they are brave enough to explore it.
Our family hasn’t found our tribe yet here in Virginia, but I fully believe it is coming and I am being mindful about who is in it this time around.
