The Journey to Self-Compassion
Who am I?
To say who I am based on my life experiences isn’t who I am, those are simple things I walked through in my life, lessons learned, wounds healed, strength revealed. Life’s a bitch sometimes and sometimes it’s not, my passion is awakening to the place where I will be able to find the joy in those moments that are not so awesome. Awakening is one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on, it has required me to look deep inside of myself and confront things that honestly I don’t know if I even wanted to confront, but I knew I wanted to feel whole and to do that I needed to look at what was stopping me from believing that truth about myself.
A Core Belief
A core belief is the lens in which we see the world and interpret everything in it, people ourselves, etc. It is what we believe on the deepest level. Core beliefs come in many shapes and sizes but some of the most common are
I’m inadequate.
I’m unloveable.
I’m weak.
I’m a failure.
I am not enough.
I’m pathetic.
These beliefs are often more common in people who are depressed, something I've struggled with for years. It can be difficult to change these core beliefs because they usually have been with us for a very long time and we assume that they are true. When we have a negative view of ourselves, we tend to have a bias in our interpretation of events. We see the negative outcomes as evidence of self perceived shortcoming and thus reinforcing our core belief.
My core belief is that I am not enough. Here is an example to show how this belief was reinforced by an event in my own life. I was engaged at the age of 18 to who I believed at the time was the love of my life, even though my intuition or inner knowing had told me several times already he was not the right one, I refused to believe it, I was to in love to listen. When my fiancé later broke off the engagement my core belief of, I’m not enough interpreted that as proof that it was indeed true. Therefore that belief of not being enough was now reinforced and I believed that was why he left. Can you see the cycle?
Even though I look back now with gratitude fully realizing he was definitely not the right one for me, that core belief is still there. There are several significant moments in my life that I've interpreted this core belief as proof thus reinforcing it. Some of those stories to be shared later are rape (Believed it was my fault, not enough to stop it.), an abortion (Not strong enough to stand up to those wanting me to have one), abandonment (Not enough for them not to discard me), emotional cheating (not enough for fidelity), spiritual abuse (Not enough to see what was happening) and shunning (Not enough to continue to be friends).
Core beliefs can also be developed early on by our observation of others, for example I had a father who was very much into fitness and health. I interpreted his actions into a core belief that in order for me to be adequate and worthy I had to be fit and healthy, my body needed to look a certain way. This set me up for a lot of weight issues going forward, one's I'm still dealing with as the I'm not Enough Mantra likes to reenforce.
It is possible to change these beliefs and I am working on mine right now. If this is something you feel you also need to do, the first step is taking the time to identify what the core belief(s) are, you must be honest with yourself here and realize we all have core beliefs. Don't judge yourself in this moment.
Look for themes in your negative thoughts. For one week write down at least one self-critical thought you have each day. Try to write down the thoughts as closely the them occurring as possible for accuracy. At the end of the week look back and see if you can identify a common theme.
Explore the meaning of those negative thoughts. What if they were true? For example, I see my husband in a zoom call with his boss, I’ve never seen his boss before. He has described her to me has an older unattractive lady. However, the women I see on the call is beautiful and around our age, not old at all. Cue my negative thoughts. “Wow, she is pretty. She looks nothing like how he described her. Why did you lie to me about how she looked? He must like her. Is something more going on? I’m sure it is, I’m obviously not enough for him, especially with all the weight I have recently gained.” See that sneaky “Not Enough” belief coming in there. So I pause and I ask myself What if if did lie to me? What if he does like her? What if I am not enough? What if he leaves me? Ahhh fear, fear of abandonment. Fear of not being enough. What if I am abandon? I've been alone before, I'm strong, I would be ok so what am I afraid of? The truth of not being enough. See how it works?
Now I can assure you that everything I just said to myself, my husband would contradict and actually did. He would tell you that none of that was true, that in fact he does see her as old. However, my core belief makes it difficult for me to believe that. (See how these core beliefs can affect relationships?)
When we can identify our core belief, then we can begin to recognize how the bias of it affects our viewpoint on situations and our relationship with ourself and others. The next step would be to begin the process of changing that belief. The good news is it can be done. Follow me on Facebook to be notified when I release part 2, how to change your core beliefs.
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Blessings,
Julie
